erm it's like 4.30am and i shd def be asleep rn but i cant sleeeeeep T-T (10 more minutes and i'll go back to bed, i swear.)
my sleep schedule has been so so off for the past 11? 12? days - ive been going to bed at like 4-6am it's horrible aaaaa. reasonably, u'd think it's due to jetlag (and that's what i told myself at first) but im pretty sure its just a me thing lol. like ever since i got back from imo, i've been pretty free and i hv less responsibilities now (well, kinda), so ig it's been an excuse for me to sleep in (or in other words, sleep late đ). and ive always been a night person so ig it's like, while i don't hv much going on, i'll just take advantage of this time to enjoy the night LOL.
nights r just soooo much better than mornings to me. i think its cuz i get to be alone HAHAHAHAHA. and its rlly quiet, and i like being awake while everyone else is asleep. ig it gives me a sense of "extra time"?? like, it troubles me knowing that time is always slipping away (and knowing i cant do anything abt it), but i feel like staying up gives me the illusion that i can... freeze time? i mean, i can do wtv i want while nothin else is going on, and the thought of that is so comforting to me, like it gives me a sense of control over my life. im not even usually productive lol, most of the time i just waste my hours overthinking things or reflecting on random stuff like rn. but it's nice.
in boarding school too i stayed up late practically every night. our days were usually rlly packed, so as someone who values some quiet time alone, i'd sacrifice hours of sleep every night, just to do the stuff i wanted. but tbh, a lot of time i did school work (and i'd be lying if i said i always "wanted" to do it), but yea i preferred doing it in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep, and i can't pick out exactly why. mybe i just like the dark more? or mybe it's cuz it makes me feel like im ahead (bcs im working while everyone else is sleeping)? or mybe cuz there are less distractions? wtv it is, ik that staying up has always been my choice - not cuz i had to.
but also, my motivation and productivity srsly skyrockets at night. (and by night, i mean 12am onwards, when ppl are asleep.) meanwhile in the morning, my motivation levels to do stuff is just đđ and im legitimately so lazy sometimes that it makes me feel rlly guilty abt myself. but oop then it's night and just like clockwork, im suddenly fine again and i feel kinda like doing things yay. oh and in fact, yk how ppl always use the phrase "3am motivation" to refer to a sudden intense burst of motivation? ig it's exactly that? i feel like night is the only time that i can actually hear my thoughts clearly, while every other time of the day is just a blur. and it SHOWSS bcs just compare this post vs my other posts that were done during the day HAHAHAHA. (my emoji-to-text ratio is a pretty good indicator of my time of post LMAO nah jk.) so i feel like being able to think clearly reminds me of what i want and what im doing (even tho the answer is vaguely "idk" to both questions uh :'D).
and as for my insomnia, half the time it makes me feel bad cuz well yea i shd be frickin asleep and im wasting sleep time. and it can be frustrating too cuz im actually rlly tired sometimes and ik i need the sleep. but on the other hand, insomnia has also been the reason that i consistently "think" every day even if i dont deliberately stay up. i get a lot of ideas and motivation from not being able to sleep tbh. (showering and chores as well.) pretty sure this blog was born as a result of my insomnia too lol.
anyway, that's enough, ig i shd put my phone away and go back to insomnia-ing now aaaaa gnite. oh yea also my preference for night made me decide like 2 days ago that i shd choose to work night shifts in the future heh. ok gnite fr this time.