quick life update :)

my life is rlly taking a turn rn so here are some updates

(1) i feel scammed

okay well this short (i promise) rant is a bit long overdue, but... i feel a lil bit unsatisfied with what my life has come to rn?

and tbh, idk what i expected tho. like, i can't say i didnt expect to be here, but i'm still disappointed. im beginning to feel like im gonna be that kid who peaked in high school, and tbh thats like the LAST THING i want. ig as a kid, it's been drilled into my brain that if u just work hard, do well in school, be a good person, bla bla bla, then life will just work out for you. and obv i knew that wasnt entirely true, but im beginning to REALLY feel it now. it's not just what's happened to me - my friends as well are not ending up at where they wanna be even tho they're CLEARLY amazing and CLEARLY deserve scholarships, and i just feel so crushed and hopeless seeing that T-T ik it's the reality or wtv and my mum would tell me this is an important lesson for me or smth - but i feel so lied to?? idk like, my parents' friends, for example, would always talk to me abt scholarships and unis and what-not so ig it led me to believing that that was the route i'd soon take, as long as i continued to get good grades and bla bla bla. and now that it's NOT happening, i just feel horrible idk. and i say that i feel "scammed" cuz besides just generally being a "good student", there was literally NOTHING else in the world i cdve done to change this AAAAAAAAGDHSAGDHA. (not to mention, i dont like the way many msian scholarships decide which students they accept and reject, but i wont get into that now la, and ig i just hv to accept that anyway cuz it's out of my control.) and also istg it's not like a think im such a "perfect student" or anything who deserves every scholarship available, istg i dont actually think that and ik there are many way more deserving candidates than me, it's just that- i feel like i could be in a better position rn ig. and i just feel... bad. feels like i've hit my downfall? and feels like a lot of my effort/hard work doesnt seem as fruitful as i once hoped.

(2) pre-uni

lol so im starting pre-u tmr and im so unprepared lmao. so basically i actually applied for ytp a-levels, but didnt get it, so i ended up requesting rayuan for IB instead (since demand is lower) and i received an offer for that so yea. it'll be at kolej mara banting, but we're doin online for like the first 2 months cuz the building is under renovation or smth lol. yea anyway, im super unprepared to start IB and tbh i think my mental health in the next 2 years is gonna 📉📉. like for one, it's IB lol. im so not ready to face the workload AND ALSO I HAVE TO LEARN FRICKIN MALAY AND ENGLISH. I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THATTTT 😭😭💀 yea the reason i wanted to do a-levels is cuz less workload (i.e. i can cram for exams heh) and i can focus on stem only cuz im so sick of doing non-stem subjects ngl HDASJHDASJ non-stem stresses me out sm. and also, i feel like this doesnt sound like a very valid concern (tho it is to me), but the environment is very malay and mrsm-like and idk if i'll survive oof. cuz uhm, idk im not fully used to that environment, and in kindergarten till primary school (wait no, even bef kindergarten lol), i was raised in a more predominantly chinese environment ig? and like, come to think of it, even in high school, i hung out with moral kids a lot 😐😐 so idk what im gonna do without them SAVE MEEEEE. wait am i allowed to say that 💀💀 that sounds bad 💀 uhm i'd like to clarify, i hv nothing against my ppl tho, i think im just used to mixing wt moral kids ig IDK HELP OKAY IM GONNA STOP BCS THIS MAKES ME SOUND SO BAAAAAAAAAAAD AHJDHSJDA OKAY MOVING ON. it's not just the workload, IB is also notoriously rlly hard. someone told me that IB math = a-levels further math 🥶🥶 also uhm, idk how to make friends and first 2 months are online so that makes it WORSE 😭 i hope i make the right friends tho so they can inspire me and push me to be a better person just like my friends in kpp 🥹🥹 well anyhow, IB wasnt my initial plan nor first choice, but i still rlly wanna do well tho and this might sound weird and super nerdy, but im kinda looking forward to studying IB math, phy, chem. (i hope that motivation stays forever.) not looking forward to non-stem tho AHAHAHAHAH. but mehhh it's fine i'll try to enjoy it :')

(3) other plans

okay well i still wanna do math oly so i'll somehow hv to juggle that on top of IB and i hv NO IDEA how i'm gonna do that 🤡🤡 then at the end of the year, imma apply for unis again (mit! mit! mit!) in hopes of getting accepted la cuz then i can ditch IB slayyy AHAHAHHA (oh no but then that means i hv to ditch IMO as well 😔). also idk what to write my essays abt sighhh. oh right, besides that mathlympics year 3 is coming along woohoo. hopefully we can host it inter-school this year yay. i hope more ppl can appreciate my troll problems this year 🤓🤓🤡 oooo and next month im going to poland for 2 weeks for some math camp LESGOOO. yea i think that's about it for my major plans la :P

tldr: my life is weird and im starting pre-u tmr. also dw im not emo (anymore), and im kiiiinda looking forward to starting pre-u. (i dont think that statement is gonna age well HAHAHAAHAH.) ALSO, good luck to my fellow elys batchmates for trials next week WOOOOOOO 💯🔥 and as usual, just hmu for math help 😌😌👍🏻 okeh bye bye