okay for context it's post-spm scholarship apps season rn hence why i feel like ranting HAHSJJDF ANYWAY am i the only person who really doesn't enjoy filling up applications? T^T
and by applications i mean like, applications for scholarships, unis, camps, etc. AND specifically the ones that ask for essays and stuff AAAHAHSJDJFG okay mybe it's just cuz i don't rlly enjoy writing (i mean like, proper writing where i hv to impress the reader, unlike these messy blog entries lmaoo), BUT ALSO i honestly feel like these applications hv rlly been diminishing my self-worth?? and they leave my depressed like, every single time??? AAAAAAHSHDHRF
(1) i find it so... uncomfortable?? (yea i cant find the right word) when i hv to argue like "why do u deserve this scholarship" or "why shd XYZ uni accept u"
cuz like, first of all, AS MUCHHH as i want this scholarship/uni/wtv im applying for, i honestly wdnt accept me if i were the admission officers HAHAHAHAH đđđ 90% of the time i apply for stuff, i dont even feel like i deserve it so how am i supposed to argue it bruh đđ ik there are so many better and more worthy candidates out there so it makes me feel so so bersalah to answer this question kinda UGHHHAJAJDF DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?? and ik ik u gotta like ⨠fAkE iT tiLL u mAkE iT ⨠or smth, BUT I- I JUST- KINDA FEEL LIKE OTHER PPL DESERVE IT MORE THAN ME UHM đđ like obv I WANT IT LA cuz otherwise why would i apply ma, but like when i rlly think abt it kan, some ppl spend their WHOLE high school life grinding competitions and building their portfolio and stuff in hopes of getting accepted into their dream uni, likeeee some ppl start researching and preparing their college essays SO frickin early... AND MEANWHILE, WHAT DID I DO IN HIGH SCHOOL??? I JUST DID WTV I WISHED BRO I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABT MY FUTURE HELPPPPGWHSJDJFG đ¤Ąđ¤Ą
(2) im convinced that some of the questions are just there to mock me đĸđĸ
examples: "what are ur overall goals in life?" "what is the reason for ur career choice?" "what do you wish to achieve by pursuing this career?" "where do u see urself in 20 years?"
BRO I CANT EVEN DECIDE ON A FAVOURITE COLOUR- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFEEEE đđ i honestly like, DONT KNOW what im doing at all, and i absolutely do NOT have my life sorted out AAHAJSJJRJG those questions make me feel like im a loser who's destined for failure for not knowing what my goals are đĨ˛đĨ˛ every time i hv to write essays for those type of questions i just sit in front of my laptop and like, contemplate my life and become emo for a while đ and also, reading sample answers for those questions just makes me feel EVEN WORSEEE cuz ppl are yapping passionately abt their plans and dreams WHILE IM HERE WITH NONE AAAAAAAA srsly i dont understand how ppl my age already know what they wanna do and achieve in life. idk how to explain it but it makes me feel so HSHSHDJFF it makes me feel like im so left behind and failing in life?? JAJSJDNJF SOMEONE SAVE ME
(3) I CANT WRITEEEEE HELPPPBSHWJDJFNG
i understand that like, writing and expressing ur thoughts is obv a very important skill to have, and essays are great bcs they allow applicants to show off their personality and convey what they wish to achieve bla bla bla, and essays are also ur opportunity to stand out, like OKAY FINEEEE YESSS essays are VERY good and they can tell u a lot about a person đ¯đĨ BUT SOME OF US CAN'T FREAKING WRITEEEE AAAAWAHWJDNFJGNG đ UGHHH my literacy skills are very cacat sia, i hv such a hard time with words and expressing what im thinking, and ive ALWAYS struggled with words even since young liao, (not to mention, bm is my one A in spm despite all my preparations for bm erm), WHY IS WRITING SO HARDDD :(( im so jealous of ppl who can write and speak well cuz BRO the ability to articulate ur thoughts clearly is literally a SUPER POWERRRR that gives u a hugeeee advantage in the real world, meanwhile my geometry skills will never be put to practical use oof đđ
(4) okay to be fair, this one is skill issue on my side but: ⨠i overthink â¨
i feel like i always spend at least triple the amount of recommended time for filling up applications bcs of how much i overthink aaaaa cuz like, i spend SO LONG writing my essays, and i also take super long to fill up the achievements/awards thingy and stuff- bcs for some reason theyre always formatted super weirdly omg, like it asks u ur awards and then it asks u ur position expecting u to say president or smth like HAH?? and i always overthink how to input my achievements, and like which to choose from and stuff bcs it's like, "well do i wanna show u how dedicated i am to math?? or would u prefer to know that i indeed do touch grass outside of math?? also, is qualifying for IMO team (which is my best achievement from my pov) more impressive to u, or getting a gold at some cheap international comp that anyone can join (which idc abt as much tbh)???"
oh and like damn u hv no idea how long i spent on my common app activities section đđ i spent sooo long refining every single description to fit in as much as possible + make it sound impressive, AND I ONLY APPLIED FOR ONE UNI THRU COMMON APP AT THE TIME HAHAHAJAJSJRJG HELPPPP
(5) okay im gonna refrain myself from elaborating on this one, bcs otherwise imma get furious and go on and on, BUT. PAJSK. IS. SO. RIGGED. T-T
yea i'll stop there hehe
(6) honestlyyyy, this one is just inevitable but i feel like application processes are kinda demoralising in the sense that it makes u feel defined by ur accomplishments
yea i can't rlly complain much abt this ig cuz das jus how it goesss, it's literally impossible to create some kind of application that's 100% comprehensive ykwim. but what im tryna say is like, u could have so many great personal qualities and experiences etc., but at the end of the day, the success of ur application is solely determined by ur on-paper achievements + writing, and the thought of that just makes me feel kinda hmmm âšī¸ and when i hv to review my application, it makes me feel so crappy cuz i'll be thinking like "damn, this is all i have. other ppl hv huge research/UN/olympiad/etc. achievements, and they all hv tons of volunteering experience too. on top of that, they have bomb essays and interesting stories to share- meanwhile THIS is what i submit???" đ
okay but tldr, i think the main reason i dont enjoy filling up applications is just cuz of my writing skill issue la HAHAAHHA ehhh nah also cuz it makes me feel rlly bad abt myself and chips away my self-esteem weeeeee đđ but oh well, as im writing this ive already submitted 6/11 of my post-spm scholarship apps, which is >half so yay ig. aw man but i still hv like 4 (?) essays to cook brr. okay its 3.14 am now (pi o'clock YAY) so i shd probably erm, do this thing called "sleep". pray that future me doesn't go emo while doing her essays đđģđđģ okie bye byeee~