first off i'll start by saying that im surprised ive made it this far in life - i mean, being almost 18. like srsly isnt it crazy im still... alive?? how hv i NOT done smth stupid enough to kill myself yet HAHSJJRF. but fr im so so not ready to face 18. im pretty sure im like max 15 yrs old, no?? I THINK ITS GENUINELY SO CRAZY IM TURNING 18 HELPPP 😭😭😭
AND HJSDHASJ I DONT WANNA TURN 18. FOR ONE, i love having the "im still a child" card, bcs as someone with batchmates/most friends older than myself, i comfortably pull that card out A LOT hehe. like for examplee, if they're mean to me, that's classified as BULLYING - or if we wanna be extreme, call it CHILD ABUSE if u will. but if IM mean to THEM, then... well... i'm just being a kid!! 😇😇 and also turning 18 means i hv to say goodbye to the frequent "underage" and "violating a minor" jokes, which ngl i'll honestly miss dearly bcs i've gotten them sm in the past year or so 💔💔 ok but on a more serious note, my friends hv warned me abt the pre-18 to post-18 switch and that has made me rlly scaredDDHSHS (yea thanks sm guys, rlly appreciate it 🙄). and like idk i'd be able to do a lot of stuff without my parents' consent anymore but NOOOO AAAHSJDJF THAT'S A HORRIBLE THING CUZ MY PARENTS R THE ONLY PPL KEEPING ME FROM DOING SMTH STUPIDDDHDJFJGJ. yo like can we agree to only legally recognise one as an adult when they hit 21 instead of 18 CUZ IDK 18 YR OLDS R LITERALLY STILL SO SO STUPID??? HOW DO 18 YR OLDS CLASSIFY AS ADULTS?? WEH FR IT ISNT RIGHTT WE NEED TO CHANGE IT TO 21 INSTEADDDHSHSHDFAAAAA ok that's it im starting a petition HAHAHSJD. actually on second thought tho, i bet when i turn 20 i'll realise 21 yr olds r just as stupid :// ok wtv anyway, NOT ready to be an adult (ik nothing abt finances or politics or the real world) and also i wonder how i'll spend my 18th bday (i'll be in uni edi)... i hope my future self makes it a special one??
uh on a similar note, IM SO NOT READY TO START UNI. its crazy to think im starting uni cuz IDK WHERE DID MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS EVEN GO??? like two years gone to covid sia. and aft that i was pretty consumed by math?? idk like on one hand im pretty satisfied with my high school life, like rlly it was pretty great. i did well in school, made awesome friends, had a ton of opportunities, etc. etc. but part of me feels like i didnt goof around enough sigh idk. actually i think i did a decent amount of goofing in f1, but i dont knowwww aaaaaaaa. there r just soo many things i didnt get the chance to doooo. literally i tak pernah outing dgn kawan pun bcs back then every weekend i had full-day math training. also i tak pernah masuk POOL??!! like ah dang it there were actually so many things i missed out on. i also tak pernah masuk any camp w permata, and i also tak pernah vote for mtp. wadahek man was i even in permata??? it doesnt help that i only spent one year duduk dekat dorm main campus :(
ngl sometimes i wish i were more... normal... and had the time to do dumb stupid useless things. like looking back i spent sm of my time grinding school/math/running/etc. and dont get me wrong IM DEF PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT and it felt rewarding at the time but i cant help but think, WAS IT RLLY WORTH IT when i cdve just been chilling w my friends instead 🥲🥲 honestly i think i did hv a pretty good social life tho (bonus points bcs im besties w two batches HAHAH) but i STILL feel like i didnt spend enough time w ppl, or at least not as much as i liked la. i miss my f1 days when i was rlly weird and did wtv i liked. used to go to aida's room sm that we had a grp chat of aida's room + me (called adhd gang) AHAHAAH 😭😭😭 and then we'd spend nights reading horror stories from this app called "addicted." and also aida and i used to play bloons omg. we also used to play on her phone at 2% battery which somehow lasted FOREVER. ok yk what i shd stop getting so nostalgic and save that stuff for another day, but i genuinely miss goofing around like that bcs aft i hit l1, the goofing around got way less frequent. its not just goofing around tho - theres actually sm other stuff i wont get to do bef uni. like get a 9-5 job. or learn to drive. or learn to skateboard. or learn electric guitar. DANG IT
anyway im rlly excited to start uni but senanya TAKUT GILA bcs i hv no clue what im doing AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. tbh i just KNOW im gonna go there and feel so insanely stupid. my self-esteem is gonna take a serious hit and idk i just dont feel mentally prepared. and idk im gonna be so alonee and aaahsjdjfjfng IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK IDK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAT AM I DOINGGGGGGG like literally i just wanna be a kid for a little while longer, i dont feel ready for this 💔💔 like obv i want it so bad but i wanna live in this exciting pre-mit phase forever BCS THE ACTUAL THING IS KINDA SCARING ME SM AS WE NEAR CLOSER AND CLOSER TO IT. LIKE WEHH IM FLYING IN TWO MONTHSSSHSHDHFHGAAAAAAAAAAAA. ive actually been so concerningly anxious recently that i constantly feel like i'm not breathing enough (feels like im not getting enough air? idk how to explain the feeling) and my heart literally feels OFF (like heavy and unsettled and idk) - and it's been this way for the past 3-weeks-ish?? and im usually pretty chill and i dont get anxiety like this so that's kinda how i can tell it's bad 😓😓😓 like IDK (gosh how many times hv i said "idk" here) but i know myself and i just know i dont feel right rn. i hvnt rlly talked to anyone abt it but yea mybe i shd 💀💀
ok nvm let's talk abt the current mit stuff cuz im gonna actually lose my mind if im reminded again of how soon uni starts. SO i applied for these pre-orientation programs (fpop) (just submitted my app like 2hrs ago) and i ranked "discover emergency operations" as my first choice which YES is very not me IK (i ranked "discover math" as my third choice wowow) but i decided emergency operations is smth ik nothing abt so this could def be a diff/new experience for me yay. and it sounds chill and fun so why not la. i ranked FIND as second choice which is basically discussing faith/spirituality, and that one interests me a lot too cuz i bet i'd get to meet cool ppl to hv deep convos wt. then i ranked urop (rsrch) and physics as 4th and 5th respectively. AND THIS WEEK I HAVE WRITING + MATH EXAMS and the math cam i tak kisah sgt BUT THE WRITING AAAAAAAAA. (if u truly know me, u'd know just how much i hate and suck at writing.) oh ya for context these r just like placement tests je - they determine like what classes they'd recommend and stuff la. (there r credit exams too but yg tu later.) but the writing exam ada two 750-1250 word essays and the prompts dah keluar like 2 days ago liao but omg im so stupid AND I HVNT STARTED AND IT'S DUE SO SOON AND IM GONNA DIE AND AAAA DO U SEE WHY IM NOT READY FOR UNI??? ITS DUE LIKE 16TH BUT 14TH AND 16TH HALF MY DAY IS GONE. AND TODAY IS THE 12TH EDI. SAVE MEEEEEE. and im not looking forward to it pun tbh CUZ I HATE AND SUCK AT WRITING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I CAN ALREADY FORESEE I'LL END UP IN TEARS. one of it is kena baca from a lot of sources pastu kena buat summary and APA citation stuff and idk and the other is argument essay abt food policy or smth TAPI HELPPP MALASS AAA I RLLY SHDNT BE SAYING THAT 😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻
I ALSO HVNT DECIDED MY ADVISING OPTIONS AND THAT FORM IS DUE TMR. FPOP APP PUN I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY TDAY (which is my excuse for why i belum sentuh the writing + math exam) AND I SPENT SO LONG ON THE ESSAYS CUZ IM A CERTIFIED OVERTHINKER AND IM LIKE SO STUPID CUZ FPOP APPS WERE LIKE OPEN A MONTH AGO BUT I BARU DECIDED I WANNA APPLY SEMALAM CUZ IDK WHY BEFORE THAT I WAS LIKE "NAH MALAS TAKYAH KUT" BUT FPOPS R ACTUALLY SO GOOD AND SO COOL BUT LIKE ANYWAY WEH IM NOT EVEN THERE YET AND IM ALREADY DYING AND IF U CANT TELL IM CRASHING OUT SO HARD RN AND STRESSING OVER THE WRITING EXAM AND IM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT AT ALL AND IK FOR A FACT THAT IM NOT GONNA ENJOY THE NEXT FEW DAYS OF MY LIFE AND IT'S 4AM NOW AND I SHD RLLY BE SLEEPING BUT NO LOOK AT WHAT IM DOING.
kay dahla nak tido BYE
petang update: there were 4 parts to the math exam and i absolutely screwed up the "vector analysis" part SO BADDDD cuz there was this one question i was so slow on (rusty + overthinking) BUT there happened to be other much easier + less time-consuming questions THAT I TAK SEMPAT bcs i wasted >half my time on that question AAAAAA IM SO MAD AT MYSELF but wtv. OH AND I CANT GET MYSELF TO START THE WRITING HELPPPPPPPPPPPPP 🙏🏻🙏🏻